The following is an excerpt from my book, Another Gospel?
The curve of the rocking chair arm dug into my hip as I held my restless toddler, singing a hymn into the darkness— darkness so thick it felt as if it were made of physical matter, choking the cries right out of my throat as I prayed to a God I wasn’t sure was even there. “God, I know you’re real,” I whispered. “Please let me feel your presence. Please.” Nothing. I didn’t feel even the slightest goose bump or the familiar warmth that used to signify his presence to me. Swollen in breast and belly, my pregnant body ached as my little girl scampered around my lap trying to find a place to settle. Though the words seemed stuck behind my lips, I found a way to sing them out:
Before the throne of God above;
I have a strong and perfect plea . . . Everything hurt. But I didn’t protest. I remembered the promise I’d made while in the deepest pains of labor before my daughter was born. I will never again complain about being miserably uncomfortable, I’d declared to myself. When you’re enduring pain that profound, you would give anything to simply be miserably uncomfortable. After eighteen hours of back labor and five hours of pushing, Dyllan was born in distress. She was welcomed into the world by being swept out of my arms, laid on a cold metal table, and held down as tubes were stuck down her trachea. Those tubes saved her life. But it was a vexing cure. Her birth had traumatized us both. Even so, God’s peace overwhelmed me, and when they finally laid her back in my arms, I took one look at her and I knew. I knew with the kind of knowing that emerges from a place so deep inside, you don’t even realize it’s there until you need it. I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her now. No mountain so towering I wouldn’t climb it for her. No ocean so deep I wouldn’t swim it for her. No battle so formidable I wouldn’t fight it for her. But I had no idea this would be tested so soon. As I rocked my toddler that night, I was in labor again, but this time it wasn’t physical. The labor was spiritual. And it wasn’t a battle I had to fight just for myself. Two souls would depend on the outcome of this particular conflict of faith. A great High Priest whose name is love; Who ever lives and pleads for me. But does he? Is God really on a mystical throne somewhere out beyond the expanses of space? Is he even aware of me? Is everything I’ve ever believed about him a lie? What happens when we die? My name is graven on his hands; My name is written on his heart . . . But is it? Is the Bible really God’s Word? Is the only identity I’ve ever known a complete sham? What am I supposed to tell my children? Is religion really just the opiate of the masses? Does God even exist at all? “Remember, God, when Dyllan was born? Remember the peace that came over me in a wave I couldn’t control? I remember. Your peace. “Remember New York, God? Remember that day? I needed you. I remember. I remember you cradling me with your presence as I lay in my bed, feeling like I would die.” Or was it something else? Had those just been synapses in my brain firing in response to stress or excitement, sending a cocktail of endorphins and adrenaline through my body? Is that all it ever was? Every worship service, camp meeting, and Bible study? I believe. Help my unbelief. It felt like I’d been plunged into a stormy ocean with waves crashing over my head. No lifeboat. No rescue in sight. In the 2000 film The Perfect Storm, one of the last images (spoiler alert) is of the giant ship being capsized and pushed underwater by a wave the size of a skyscraper. The tiniest form of a human head peeks above the water for a split second before disappearing into the depths. That was me. What on earth would cause a strong and devout Christian to doubt her faith? Why would a member of the popular Christian music group ZOEgirl, which toured the world giving altar calls and inspiring many young teens to proclaim their faith and “shout it from the mountain,” suddenly have doubts? We’ll get to that in a bit. But first, a little background. I was that kid. You know the one. The one who asked Jesus into her heart when she was five. The one who began studying the Bible as soon as she learned to read. The one who got up early to walk around her school and pray for revival among her peers. The one who led worship in chapel at her Christian high school and moved to New York at twenty-one to do inner city work with underprivileged kids. The one who went on every mission trip she could and who evangelized on the streets of Los Angeles and New York during the summer. The one you would never worry about. The one you just knew would be fine. The one who would never doubt her faith. When I was about ten years old, my mom was a volunteer at the Fred Jordan Mission in Los Angeles. She would take us with her to work the soup lines on weekends, and it was there that I watched her hug prostitutes and wrap blankets around smelly homeless guys. It was there I watched my dad, a Christian recording artist, lead worship for crowds of cold and hungry souls as they sang “Amazing Grace” at the top of their lungs. Feeding the hungry. Clothing the naked. Loving the outcast. This is what was modeled to me as genuine Christianity. It’s just what Christians did. They prayed, they read their Bibles, and they served. It wasn’t perfect, but it was the real thing. So I can’t say I grew up with a blind faith. My faith was informed by witnessing the gospel in action. But it was intellectually weak and untested. I had no frame of reference or toolbox to draw from when every belief I had been so sure of was called into question. And it wasn’t an atheist, secular humanist, Hindu, or Buddhist who facilitated my eventual faith crisis—it was a Christian. More specifically, it was a progressive Christian pastor. Continue reading in my new book, Another Gospel? A Lifelong Christian Seeks Truth in Response to Progressive Christianity ⤵️
12 Comments
10/15/2020 09:16:59 am
Thank you so much for the work you've done to bring this book to life. In my little "pond" of the world, your book and insights are making ripples ... for which I am thankful.
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Darlene Ewen
10/15/2020 11:34:54 am
This book is compassionate, eye-opening and convicting. It is extremely timely in its release. Reminds me to “be a Berean” with my guard on and test every speaker and teacher with Scripture which stands unchanging for eternity. “Be aware of your hackles”!
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Hi Alisa,
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Jennifer M Dixon
10/21/2020 07:16:04 pm
Thank you so much for your work Alisa. I read your book in one day. It was so eye opening and now I understand why some that say they are Christ followers think and behave they way they do.
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Nancy Seelye
10/25/2020 12:49:11 pm
This book is such an eye opener to what’s going on in our culture today. Some of our adult children have bought this lie and turned their backs in the true gospel. I love how she said we need to fall in love with Bible! That’s the truth standard!! Take everything back to scripture and see if it is inline with Gods Word. I couldn’t put this book down!
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Robert Byker
10/30/2020 03:15:39 pm
Alisa, I have already read about half your book! It's great!! God has raised you up for such a time as this. May He cause great favor to attend your testimony and your well reasoned apologetics.... so that His name is lifted high!
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Clay
10/30/2020 04:35:02 pm
Our middle aged children have also turned their backs on truth and are going down the PC path. They also were passionate believers during their youth, through high school, college and into youth pastorship. Took us a while to figure and understand what was happening till we ran across your videos and podcasts. Now we totally understand where they are coming from and can pray and respond accordingly..... wisely, with care, kindness and love. I am looking forward to reading your new book, which was shipped weeks ago. Right now it is who knows where as the courier is trying to find it.
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John Noack
10/31/2020 03:34:59 pm
Hello Alisa,
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Mark R
11/17/2020 06:40:24 pm
I just purchased your book today and found it interesting.
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NP
2/21/2021 03:28:41 pm
As concerning the Word of life, Luke 10 section 25-28 says: On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. "Teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "What is written in the Law?" he replied. "How do you read it?" He answered: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind'; and, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" "You have answered correctly," Jesus replied. "Do this and you will live."
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DanielleM
8/13/2021 07:10:25 pm
I’ve been in the middle of my own faith crisis for about a year and a half now. So many parts of your story echo mine and as I read your words, “I believe, help me in my unbelief,” I have a little more hope knowing you came out the other side like you did. Your videos on YouTube have been deeply influential to me as I wade through my questions too. What if I am making all of this up? What if just positive thinking is what has turned things around, not the Holy Spirit? What am I here for? I have five small children I am discipling at home and while the “right” words come out of my mouth, my heart and mind are begging God to let me know they are real. That he is real. Thank you for sharing your story, for being real and for being truthful and obedient.
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